"Nat" too Shabby

The Borch monkey broke an unprecedented scoreless streak on Saturday. After going nearly six years in the league without netting a single "G", Big Borch called corner pocket against L.A. His bewildered look of self-amazement coupled with his inability to decide what type of celebratory dance to preform was evidence that he was just as surprised and delighted with the unexpected tally as RSL fans. Chalk one up for The Nat. Faithful readers may remember my post of several years ago in which I declared with absolute conviction that 'Nat Borchers will never score a goal.' I gladly eat (with savory satisfaction) those words. Real is back. MLS teams nationwide better head for high ground. Open the flood gates.

Why the suck?

Why does the team suck this year? I've grown tired of keeping up with this team because they don't offer anything in return. They've wasted my time repeatedly in the last few weeks. There isn't any one adjustment that needs to made, or any one personel change needed. The players need to just not play scared. The coach needs to get some confidence in his players and his players need confidence in him and each other. They just need to stop playing like a bunch of idiots and they'll start winning games. I feel like I'm in prison as a fan of this team. It sucks to be here.

Soccer gods: Please, sit down. RSL fans, your files say you've served 4.33 years of a life sentence of suckiness. You feel you've been rehabilitated?

RSL fans: Rehabilitated? Well, now, let me see. You know, I don't have any idea what that means.

Soccer gods: Uh, well, it means you're ready to become a winning franchise.

RSL fans: I know what you think it means, sonny. To me, it's just a made up word, a politician's word, so that young fellas like yourself can wear a suit and a tie and have a job. What do you really wanna know? Am I tired of sucking?

Soccer gods: Well, are you?

RSL fans: There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret for sucking. Not because RSL loses all the time, or because you think I should. I look back on the way the team has played this season; a young, stupid team who play (brilliantly vs New England, then) terrible game after game, especially on the road. I wanna talk to them. I wanna try to talk some sense into them -- tell them the way things are. But I can't. That team's already sucked for 6 games this year and this crappy record is all that's left. I gotta live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a bull$#!^ word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a $#!^.

Soccer gods: [Stamp: APPROVED to no longer suck]