"Nat" too Shabby

The Borch monkey broke an unprecedented scoreless streak on Saturday. After going nearly six years in the league without netting a single "G", Big Borch called corner pocket against L.A. His bewildered look of self-amazement coupled with his inability to decide what type of celebratory dance to preform was evidence that he was just as surprised and delighted with the unexpected tally as RSL fans. Chalk one up for The Nat. Faithful readers may remember my post of several years ago in which I declared with absolute conviction that 'Nat Borchers will never score a goal.' I gladly eat (with savory satisfaction) those words. Real is back. MLS teams nationwide better head for high ground. Open the flood gates.

Why the suck?

Why does the team suck this year? I've grown tired of keeping up with this team because they don't offer anything in return. They've wasted my time repeatedly in the last few weeks. There isn't any one adjustment that needs to made, or any one personel change needed. The players need to just not play scared. The coach needs to get some confidence in his players and his players need confidence in him and each other. They just need to stop playing like a bunch of idiots and they'll start winning games. I feel like I'm in prison as a fan of this team. It sucks to be here.

Soccer gods: Please, sit down. RSL fans, your files say you've served 4.33 years of a life sentence of suckiness. You feel you've been rehabilitated?

RSL fans: Rehabilitated? Well, now, let me see. You know, I don't have any idea what that means.

Soccer gods: Uh, well, it means you're ready to become a winning franchise.

RSL fans: I know what you think it means, sonny. To me, it's just a made up word, a politician's word, so that young fellas like yourself can wear a suit and a tie and have a job. What do you really wanna know? Am I tired of sucking?

Soccer gods: Well, are you?

RSL fans: There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret for sucking. Not because RSL loses all the time, or because you think I should. I look back on the way the team has played this season; a young, stupid team who play (brilliantly vs New England, then) terrible game after game, especially on the road. I wanna talk to them. I wanna try to talk some sense into them -- tell them the way things are. But I can't. That team's already sucked for 6 games this year and this crappy record is all that's left. I gotta live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a bull$#!^ word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a $#!^.

Soccer gods: [Stamp: APPROVED to no longer suck]

Stupid in Seattle

Last Saturday's game sucked big time.  It may have been my fault though.  I didn't watch the first 30 minutes of the match because I was busy trying to get out of the restaurant that i was in and get to a television.  And apparently, those 30 minutes saw a crappy RSL team out there struggling to do what they did the entire second half; dominate.  Everything that I watched during the game was positive for RSL, except for one lucky shot from 35 yards away.  There is no need to panic yet, because it is just one game in front of a sold out crazy crowd on the road.  There were a lot of good things that went on in that game.  The biggest fear for RSL fans has to be that we are on the road to dominating every game that we play in and still managing to lose them.  Lets hope we can snap that streak ASAP.

The two brightest spots for RSL had to be from one of its oldest players and one of its newest.  First the oldest:  Clint Mathis.  He was the Ace Slideshows, LLC Bad Ace of the Match for sure this week.  He was sharp and active for the entire time he was in the game that I saw.  He put the ball in dangerous spots with every one of his touches.  That through ball to Yura for a breakaway was sublime.  Next: Rafael Cox.  He didn't get that many minutes in this game, but he made every one of them count.  He did something dangerous with everyone of his touches in the offensive half without sacrificing any of his responsibilities in the defensive half.  It was an instant upgrade over having Beltran in there.  Beltran is a good athlete with good skills, but he doesn't have a brain.  Cox, being left footed, brought a great spark to the left side of the attack that I'm sure would have produced a goal or two if he had more time.  He was very impressive in his debut and handled the preasure and hostile environment very well.  Lets hope that the RSL coaching staff saw the same thing that I did and Cox will get some more time very soon.

Next up:  Columbus.  Morales will need to make a strong bid for Bad Ace of the Match for RSL to be successful.  Lets hope that the snow isn't a determining factor tomorrow.  If it is a factor, it should be an advantage for us because hopefully the guys are more used to it than the visitors.  We'll see you at the Riot tomorrow.

It is time

All the excitement, anticipation, speculation for the offseason is about to come to fruition.  In just 48 short hours, Seattle will kick-off against New York and the 2009 installment of the MLS will officially begin.  We here in Salt Lake will have to wait a couple of weeks to see some real action, but this Saturday we will get a sneak peak at our 2009 RSL squad.  I'm excited to see what the new guys like Escalada and Grabavoy will bring to the team.  The game is free to the public and is an excellent conversion tool for us RSL missionaries to use to get people to come to the game.  I  hope a lot of people show up and are loud so that the team can see that we (the fans) are ready to pick up where we left off last year.  It's gonna be sweet to finally sit in my seat at Rio Tinto.  We'll see you all there.  

Off-season thoughts

Dear Loyal Readers,

Life as a Real fan is hard.  It has always been a difficult life to live since the franchise began.  We used to suck which left us in a sad, depressed state nearly every game that we made our way home from Rice Eccles.  We would hang our heads in sorrow for Eddie Pope and the other charismatic players that sucked so badly during the first three years of RSL.  But now, with the likes of Beckerman and Morales, we are the best team in the league.  But rather than easing the pressures of fandom, our success has intesified the heartache associated with being a Royal Club member.  The off-season has been a time of rejuvination for me both physically and emotionally.  2008 saw much good for our team.  I hope that it was not overshadowed by the New York Red Butts and their ugly array of weiners like Dave van den Bergh.

With the start of a New Year comes a renewed hope that the soccer gods will consistently smile upon Real Salt Lake.  Our purification process for the team has been painful, but it will not have been in vain.  Our faithfulness and loyalty has not gone unnoticed.  We are the best team in the MLS.  We are no longer dependant on borrowed turf.  We are no longer burdened with fear of defeat as we enter battle.  We no longer dwell amoung the lowly teams in the league.  May 2009 bring good fortune to all associated with RSL.  May we all be more bold in proclaiming our enthusiasm toward the beautiful game.  This year we will not vanish with out a fight.  We will not go quielty into the night.  We will live on.  This year will be a year long remembered for RSL and its fans.  It begins April 2nd.

Eleven score and ten days ago Jason Kreis brought forth on this continent a new team, concieved in brilliance, and dedicated to the proposition that the team is the star.

Now we are engaged in a great Western war, testing whether that team, or any team so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.  We are now gathered on a great battle-field of that war.  We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those players who here gave thier lives that that team might live.  It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate - we cannot concecrate - we cannot hallow - this ground.  The brave men, playing and on the bench, who stuggle here, will consecrate it far above our poor power to add or detract.  The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they will do here.  It is for us the fans, rather, to be dedicated here to the chanting and singing, throwing of streamers and wearing of the Red which they who play here have thus so nobly requested.  It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us - that from these honored men we take increased devotion to that cause for which they have given the last full measure of devotion - that we here highly resolve that these men shal not have trained in vain - that this team, under Kreis, shall have a new berth into the Cup - and that celebrations of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Rio.

Gem Tactics

How do you measure the heart of a champion? Those who are bold and brave enough to scratch, scrap, and claw their way to destiny? They allow others to take the spotlight, the news stories, and the praise. They crouch silently, but alertly. Then, when the stars align, they pounce with terrible fury. The final thought of a prey animal that has finally succomed to the predator must be something like, "I didn't see that coming" or maybe "Uh-oh..." Such will be the case with any team in our way. Little do they know we have secretly stalked them. Careful not to alert them to our presence. We have a unique opportunity to witness history unfold at a place where past, present, and future converge.

We played at paste
till qualified for Pearl
then left the paste
and deemed ourselves as fools
but this new Vision
and these New Hands
learned Gem Tactics
practicing Sands

Our past is behind us, the present is upon us, our future is in our hands. We just need to Take It